Owning the Badass

//Owning the Badass

I have moved into the uncomfortable, a practice that is essential for continual growth.  My lessons lately have been in accepting my inherent badass.

I am not like other people.  I differ greatly from my own society, and my studies and skils have brought me above and beyond the general populace to such a degree that I continually find myself hiding my truest greatness, to keep from sticking out too much.

I already stick out.  I am a juggler and a life insurance agent, a dichotomy that I use to my advantage.  I have a unique look, with a thick chinstrap beard and an athletic build on a wide frame.  I am sometimes physically imposing to the degree that I make others around me fearful, so I have cultivated the habit of lessening myself to protect the comfort of others in a monotone world.  My colors rise too far, too fast to maintain my membership in the audience.

If I become truly myself, I am always the star.

I went to a party on the night before Halloween.  The dress code was vague; wear black and white, costume-ish.  I wore the silver space Eskimo costume I had used recently when I was hired at a recent party to juggle and ply my card tricks; when I showed up there was a few tuxedoes, some drab white and black combinations of jackets and slacks, and a few cocktail dresses.

I did not fit in.

Some of my friends were outside, amazed at my appearance, and my hesitation nearly led to my departure.  But these friends knew me well enough to recognize that I was not being true to myself.  “You need to own it!” one of them said.

So I went into the party, and I owned it.

People were fascinated.  Literally.  My candor, my impulsiveness, my grace and my palpable static energized the atmosphere.  People were talking about me all night.  I became the focus of conversations, and my antics were related with debates about my intentions.

Suddenly, I felt at home.

I juggled, I mingled, I laughed, I had an amazing time, because I had allowed myself to be the badass that I am.

I finally learned the lesson in this passage:


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

By | 2009-11-06T21:56:11+12:00 November 6th, 2009|Introspection|

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  1. Adeah November 6, 2009 at 10:36 pm - Reply

    Caelen. Your badassness is wonderful! It is the reason I enjoy connecting with you!
    Love this quote from Ray Kroc “When you’re green, your growing. When you’re ripe, you rot.”

    Living in the “discomfort” is living! Your public honesty toward accepting heck yes you are “always the star.” is refreshing. I think most people have a sneaking suspicion that we are amazing! Yet accepting and acting as if we are that right now will really bring out the true essence of ourselves.


    • caelanmac November 7, 2009 at 7:28 am - Reply

      And thats the goal, what we’re really here for; to discover and express that essence of ourselves. It’s funny how we spend so much of our time and energy trying to shutter this light, when all we really want to do is shine.

  2. James December 1, 2009 at 11:12 pm - Reply

    Your quote about fear of personal power was posted at massage school during my last quarter there. I remember going over that quote again and again. It has continued to show up at opportune times when I’ve felt fear about the future.

    You’ve served to remind me that I am worthy of success. You shine bright and I agree that you don’t fit in. Like Plato’s allegory of the cave, most of us are watching the shadows and perceive them to be real. Few see the fire that causes the shadows, and even fewer find the way out of the cave and see the sun’s light.

    and even fewer come back and try to encourage those watching shadows to live in the light.

    May you continue to find your Bodhisattva’s, or other sources of strength. May your spring always be living, and may you continue to pass on the strength you have to those around you.

    You’re a blessing!

  3. Tshombe March 24, 2010 at 3:43 am - Reply

    What if, in our striving to “fit in”, we actually were . . . out-of-step?

    What if the only way to “fit in” were to embrace your unique gift(s)?

    What if you only imagined (and everything is imagined) that you were not like other people?

    What if it were THEY who were pretending, denying who they really are?

    “And as we let our own light shine,
    we unconsciously give other people
    permission to do the same.”

    “As we are liberated from our own fear,
    Our presence automatically liberates others.”

    The only (feeling of) separation is denial of who we are when we are fully self-expressed.

    Indeed, Dear Caelan: You ARE a blessing.

    • Bert October 1, 2011 at 7:15 pm - Reply

      Shiver me timbers, them’s some great ifnoarmtoin.

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